Spending
your life in the Empowerment Triangle not The Drama
Triangle
Remember this model
and the last blog posting about dealing with drama in the work place?
The good news is that there are productive alternatives for each major drama role. These roles don’t carry the burden of tangled emotional habits and turmoil, and more importantly, they do not perpetuate the drama. The victim’s alternative role is the Creator. This role leads to focusing on our larger vision; rising above habitual reactions and moving us to take the small steps necessary to achieve our vision. A creator has two critical abilities that a victim lacks – Awareness and Choice – awareness of the full extent of one’s power to change and the ability to make appropriate choices in our ever-changing circumstances (as opposed to reacting to them out of habit). The creator role is central to mutually beneficial, productive relationships that result when the Creator, Challenger, and Coach roles are dynamically combined.
A Challenger is a change agent – a beneficial facilitator of learning and growth. Like a creator, a challenger recognizes the growth opportunities present in each moment, no matter how difficult that moment might seem. Challengers teach through compassion, sharing power and never demeaning anyone. A challenger can be a person or life condition; and while a challenge may push our emotional buttons, we are held in such a caring way that we are able to recognize and seize the opportunities before us.
A Coach facilitates learning and growth by empowering recognition of choices in tough situations. A good Coach asks many questions, each designed to help the person find their own course of action – rather than telling them what to do (or not do). A Coach sees others as capable, powerful and creative – rather than broken and in need of fixing.
Clearly, we would rather spend our lives in The Empowerment Dynamic instead of The Drama Triangle. While staying in Empowerment Dynamic may appear easy, in reality it requires much practice and discipline. Our old patterns took a long time to develop and become entrenched; it doesn’t have to take as long to change them.
Attention is the discipline needed to stay in The Empowerment Dynamic . It means consciously choosing where we focus our thoughts and emotions. A victim, for example, focuses attention on what they don’t want or what they wish to avoid. Ask yourself if such attitudes can bring beneficial results when energy and attention are directed at fearful negative outcomes? I say chances are pretty slim.
Alternatively, each of us has the ability to direct our attention toward thoughts and feelings that enhance and uplift us. We can motivate ourselves toward growth and learning. One way is to start by recognizing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be. Focusing on goals is the catalyst that triggers our capacity to change. To begin your practice of disciplining thought and emotion I recommend this daily 20-minute exercise, preferably done in the morning:
- Sit comfortably in a quiet place
- Direct your thoughts to people, events, or places that you feel good about, or for which you feel gratitude.
- Next, think of an affirmation that has meaning for you; such as “I am open to learning all I need to learn” . . . and repeat it to yourself at least ten times
- Now quickly review a few of the more difficult choices you faced yesterday (or in the last few days)
- Then consider some of the choices you will be faced with today . . . and finally . . .
- Decide on a few small actions you will take today to move closer to your goal.
To monitor your progress in this process, your primary questions should be: Are my small steps going to result in permanent or temporary change? – And – Are my actions going to result in an overall improvement, or simply make me feel better temporarily? The Empowerment Dynamic is effective because your changed attitudes and actions will build a permanent foundation of focused, healthy, and stress-free relationships. As your small steps progress, keep asking yourself the “permanent vs. temporary” question and always take time to acknowledge and celebrate your incremental steps that bring you closer to your vision.
Written by Michael McElhenie PhD